She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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