Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
