A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize