I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
