There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
