Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
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They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
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I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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