By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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