I accidentally had phone sex last night
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
