I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
