i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
