i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
