If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
