he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
