Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
