just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
