Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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