I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
