Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I just want to make out with him forever
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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