I will die if light touches me.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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