So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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