i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I skipped work to stalk him.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
