a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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