she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
