Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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