we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
