the only muscles i have these days is kegels
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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