The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
