Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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