Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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