So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
