Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
