I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
