while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
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