I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
