I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
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he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
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Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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