he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
