I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
