I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
