You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
and you fell through a lawn chair
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
