Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
