I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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