Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
her facebook's as public as her vagina
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
