seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
