ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
