you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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