Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
