I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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