forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
