Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
