so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
