The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
