I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
