i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
We left the knife in your bed.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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