Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
