I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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