Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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